Cosmo’s my guilty pleasure reading material of choice. It’s salacious, it’s dramatic and it’s brightly colored. Plus, every issue manages to come up with 99 ways to pleasure/touch/turn on your man. That begs the question, can there really be 1,188 different sex moves?

Maybe, but if so, they’re not in Cosmo. The magazine probably has about 15. The rest are just reworded to sound different while in actuality they are all the same.

You have to give Cosmo writers credit though. It takes a lot of effort to come up with a distinguishing name for each of these supposedly “new” acts. That involves a lot of creativity. However, sometimes the names hit a little close too home. Tying racy sex positions to normal everyday things makes those things just a little…icky.

To explain, I present to you Cosmo sex positions and the things they will ruin for you:

The Electric Slide

The Move: You lie down on the bed or floor on your stomach, with your legs straight and slightly apart. Your guy sits right behind your buns with his legs in front of him and his hands on either side of his body for support. He leans back at a 45-degree angle to your body so he can join his genitals with yours. As he rocks forward and back, bring your legs together for a tight fit. Rest on your elbows with your arms in front of you for leverage.

What It Will Ruin For You: Bar Mitzvahs and weddings… especially when Uncle Melvin keeps asking you to join him for the electric slide.

Row His Boat

The Move: Your partner slouches down in a comfy but sturdy chair, his legs slightly spread. You straddle his lap as you face him, your knees bent and open against his chest, your feet braced against the seat of the chair. While your guy grips your hips, thighs, or butt, you clutch the back of the chair and begin moving up and down along his shaft.

What It Will Ruin For You: Teaching your nieces and nephews a nice little nursery rhyme.

Down Dog

The Move: Lie on your stomach, lifting your butt slightly so he can enter you. Your partner can prop himself up with his hands in a push-up position or lie on top of you. Not only does this facedown configuration provide increased friction as he moves in and out, but you can gently grind your clitoral area against the bed as well.

What It Will Ruin For You: Obedience training with your new puppy.

The Face to Face Fandango

The Move: Lie on the floor or another flat surface faceup, with your legs bent under your thighs and your arms raised straight back over your head. Have your guy lie on top of you face-to-face, his legs straight and his hands gripping either your shoulders or your sides. Once you’ve tweaked the pose so that it’s comfortable for you both, he can penetrate you with wide, circular motions or deep, up-and-down thrusting — whichever best suits your saucy mood.

What It Will Ruin For You: Ordering movie tickets online.

The Stand and Deliver

The Move: You lean against a wall with your legs slightly spread, facing your guy. He grabs onto the backs of your thighs and holds them against his hips, lifting you up and pushing your back into the wall for leverage, then thrusts away.

What It Will Ruin For You: The inspiring story of Jaime Escalante dramatized in movie form and shown in many a high school math class.

Joystick Joyride

The Move: Your man lies on the bed or floor on his back with his arms relaxed above his head. Straddle him on top and slide your legs straight out and forward, so that your feet are on either side of his shoulders. Hold his shins or push on the floor for leverage, and start swiveling your hips in figure-eight motions so you’re moving his penis around inside like you would a joystick for a video game.

What It Will Ruin For You: Playing video games (not that you do…) and driving aimlessly in a car.

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